62. The Lack of Empathy

My marriage was in trouble. I kept asking myself how it "got to this point", and I couldn't map it out. I was beginning to see that I was extra super good at being in denial, though. I was also beginning to feel that life was too short for living in a situation that wasn't right for both of us. For all of us. I had taken vows and wanted to honor them so much that I denied the reality. I lost sight of myself as I was living my husband's life as well as Savannah and Sean's. The autism had a way of helping me map things out. As I was forced to analyze Sean's every move, I began to do the same with my own. I was about to be forty - was it a midlife crisis? I was writing more and more about the state my marriage was in. Thoughts of unfinished business kept creeping in so much that I couldn't suppress them like I had many years ago. The death of my dog Allie, was at the forefront. She was killed early on in the marriage. I  swallowed the pain the day it happened. I buried it deep inside, and talked about it as though it was "just a thing that happened."

Allie began to "speak" to me. Her spirit rose up in me and strengthened me. It would take years before I could make sense of her death. It would take years to see that autism played a hand. 

61. "Big Fish and Fairy Tales"

I've known you all my life--

Rumpelstiltzkin too, so what? 
I've read the proverbs, tales, 
miracles; 

Death to life, masses of manna, 
son sacrifices, straw into gold, 
Why not? and calmed seas. 

And there is still all this wine, 
and I want water. 

Villagers, messengers, 
and prophets seek your name, 
want to watch you dance 
'round the flames, 

sing the agenda of tomorrow; 

know which child you'll take. 

I sit on the shore and listen 
to the conch simulate the ocean, 
swear it is the echo of Jonah 
screaming to be free. 

If my son returns 
I will name him "Jonah". 
Ask what he learned 
from the "big fish". 
I will read him Rumpelstiltzkin, 
and I will no longer 
be torn in two.

©2000 Peggy Putnam Owen

60. Dino Art

Sean's Steg

age 5

Sean's Triceratops

age 5

59. In Acappella

My life in Harlingen was wearing on me. I was pretending to be happy, but it was getting harder and harder to do. I worried so much about the future of my children. Their exposure to such negative energy in the house was harder to explain. The air was thick, and I was suffocating. I was struggling so much that I began imagining myself with my children on our own, away from my marital responsibilities. Our home was toxic.

To try and make things better for Savannah, I would watch "The Land Before Time" movies with her in her room. She loved all of them. The music especially.

One night she called me to her room and closed the door. She looked at me square in the face and said, "DON'T CHEER!" at which point I swore on my first born that I wouldn't!

She sat me down on her bed, positioned herself at her Little Tikes picnic table and began singing, "Always There" from "The Land Before Time V". (The video link is the best I could find)

I listened to my seven year old daughter sing the complete song to me. With every bit of restraint I had, I managed to make it through with little to no reaction as she had insisted. I hugged her ever so tightly, walked out of her room and bawled my eyes out.