16. Crash

Winter had come and gone. Spring had come earlier than I was used to but I was ready since the beach was only an hour away. Pat and Jack owned a condo on South Padre Island so, one weekend plus a Sunday night , the kids and I joined her. By this time Sean's tantrums were so bad that I worried about "snapping". I was constantly talking to myself, telling myself to "take it easy", "stay calm", "it will be over soon", "hold on". He went on for hours and then he would crash. Speaking of crashing, I admitted to my husband that when I reached or almost reached the point where I'd had enough, I just wanted to throw him out the closed window to make it stop. My love for him stopped me time and time again. I had to talk about it. I was always talking about it. I knew that if I held it in, it just might happen. So, I told any one who would listen despite sounding like a horrible mother. I had to protect my son.

While at the beach it was a matter of time before Sean threw his usual son-of-a-bitchin' tantrum. When it was over, Pat and I had a heart to heart. It was the morning we were leaving. I'll never forget it. I was wondering out loud what could be wrong when she said, "What about autism?". I immediately said, "No, Savannah was tested for autism. She didn't tantrum. It doesn't look the same." Pat said, "But maybe it is".

We left the beach and went our separate ways. My mind was spinning. My stomach was in knots. AGAIN? We dodged this bullet already!

I pulled up my big girl panties (a-gain) and first, accepted my friend's gently expressed suggestion, then when I got home I immediately called The Board of Special Education.

With my heart pounding, I said, "Mrs. Lancaster, remember me? I need your help. I love my son but I am afraid that I am going to hurt him."

15. In Search of Happiness

In December of 1997, Nan, who still lived in Chatom, came to visit her brother Jack and Pat. Their parents, Nan and Chuck Smith are Winter Texans so they live close to Pat and Jack in the Winter months. My family was always included in the festivities. I have fond memories of hanging out with The Smith Family.

~Way down here, you need a reason to move... J.T.

Here, we have obviously found our reason to move. I think the inspiration is in my hand! When we all came together, my worries were at bay. 

Happiness. I was always in search of happiness. I missed it terribly when it was gone.

14. Excuses Excuses

So by now, Sean was throwing down like a rock star on a daily basis, ahem, excuse me, I mean, every-other-hourly basis and my marriage was turning into an unwritten country song without my awareness. The distractions of our first summer, the changing of the weather and the holidays in Harlingen were enough to mask the truth.

My friendship with Pat continued to grow. Her daughter, Alyson, Savannah and Sean played together. There was enough room in the house to feel like I was on vacation. We lived in a cramped apartment but I liked it. I was just glad to be in the city.

We did have fun as a family. There were rough patches like in any marriage but we carried on. I began to visit Pat more often. I'd venture to her house in McAllen/Pharr every other weekend, leaving the children with their dad. I'd go to "get a break" from the all out hissy pissy fits Sean was mustering up every single freakin' frackin' day. I was still thinking that because he was two and because we didn't know how to handle him while he was two, that it was a phase. I was sure that any dingity dang-it minute, it would be over. He was approaching three. He just needed to m-a-t-u-r-e, don't you see that? Remember what I previously said about denial? By this time I had it tucked into every nook and cranny around the house. I'd open the fridge and it stared me in the face. So what if there was more and more beer each week? It was cheap in Mexico. My head was so far in the South Padre Island sand that no amount of digging could uncover it. I wanted it there.

Pat's house is a ranch style house with long breezy halls, a spacious living room and a Central Vac that could put your Dyson to shame. I think. The living room leads to the hot tub and pool. There is landscaping and patios on three sides of the house, one with a grill - home to Jack's Ribs. There is a key lime tree all the way to the road which was a BONUS! We would hike to it - seriously, it was sort of far - and we'd pick limes for our limeade. HAHA! Fooled ya! Jack's Margarita's! I loved my visits. I was never made to feel that Sean was a burden but I was beginning to feel he was a burden. I was growing more and more comfortable with making excuses.

Sean's "strong-willed spirit" would soon have another name.