8. The Smiths

I was excited about the move. It was a fresh start. My marriage was suffering, Sean was in his "terrible twos", my ass was getting bigger and the country life had served its purpose. I was delighted that I would meet up with Pat again.

Pat is the sister-in-law to Nan, a friend of mine who lived in Chatom. Nan's brother Jack is Pat's husband.

Pat and Jack and their two children came to visit Nan in Chatom one summer. While my children were with their dad at home, I was invited to Nan's house (down the dirt road and around the curve) for a taste of Jack's Margaritas *oh yeah, it's ya birthday*.

The margarita's were insanely good but anyone knows you can have great food and drink but if the company sucks, your time is wasted. Or you become wasted, either one or both. The Smith's live in McAllen, TX, just thirty minutes from Harlingen - where we would move the next Spring.

After we settled into our apartment in Harlingen I called Pat. At first she thought I was her mother-in-law's friend, Peggy so she wasn't very enthusiastic about talking to me. Ten minutes of thinking she knew who I was and trying to re-impress her, she realized that I was Nan's friend from Chatom. For awhile I was afraid I would never have one of Jack's Margaritas again. I have my priorities.

Pat and I arranged a visit. From that moment on we were best buddies. Little did she know, she had a job to do. She became my lifeline.

7. Spring of 1997

It took a day or two to digest what Aunt Merry Ann discussed with me about Savannah. She used the word, "autism". I was trying really really hard to find explanations for why she acted a certain way.

• She parrots what you say because she is confirming what you said.
• She answers you with lines from Disney movies b/c she loves Disney movies and she is clever enough to find lines from movies to answer you.
• She doesn't look you in the eye b/c she doesn't want to.
• I used to spin around and around too, when I was her age.
• Vacuum cleaners and super loud noises freak the forever-living-daylights outta me too!

I reassured myself that because Aunt Merry Ann had been retired so long from teaching Kindergarten she couldn't possibly remember what small children were supposed to act like even though she had small grandchildren. No flippin' way! Uh uh. No, it wasn't possible. She was wrong! 

I believed all of that for about a day. Denial is like a best friend that lets you leave the house for a concert at age 38 in 1999 in micro leopard print pants. I apologize for the visual. 

I pulled up my big girl panties and made the call to have Savannah tested in Chatom. During the process, my husband was transferred to Harlingen, Texas. I decided to wait until we moved to have her tested. By that point I was ready to know. I needed some answers. Mainly, I wanted to prove Aunt Merry Ann wrong. I kept going over the explanations . excuses . explanations . excuses in my head and finally - somehow began to let go of the worry. I was thankful that she was healthy otherwise. She could walk, talk, laugh, feel happiness and be loving. But this was the true beginning of my sorrow. It was deep within. I wanted to go into my own little world too.

6. Mother Load

My life was all about checklists and schedules - milestones and percentiles. It was all o-k-a-y but I  was in a whirlwind and kind of not loving it so much. I was easily overwhelmed and overrun by my clever little darlings. *insert sarcasm* I was impressed at how easily they could manipulate me. I wasn't entirely duped but I had to stay on my toes. I had no time to pay attention to behaviors that would soon be so obvious. I had nothing to measure by. As far as I knew, things were fine.

We became part of a playgroup. I felt refreshed after every visit each week. The support from the Moms was wonderful. The advice, not always so much. I learned of "Mister Spoon" in playgroup and thought I would give it a try. Sean was my "defiant one" so I brought out "Mister Spoon" one day, (a long wooden spoon meant only to be used for cooking and breaking in half with bare hands) and went to town on his bottom. I soon realized, after missing - said bottom - and hitting my leg that "Mister Spoon" would have to go "bye-bye". I couldn't believe that Sean continued to act out with the threat of "Mister Spoon". Looking back, I will have to say that it didn't appear to phase him and it hurt like a mother! *insert apology*

I couldn't help but wonder if Sean was beginning to disappear then. I really don't know when it started but I think he was slipping away as early as one year old. It would be a couple of years yet before I would completely lose him to autism. *insert angry words*

Meanwhile, one night after babysitting, Aunt Merry Ann sat me down to talk about Savannah. Sean was one and she was almost three. Aunt Merry Ann was gentle and informative. Her years of experience as a Kindergarten teacher gave her credence. She explained which of her behaviors were autistic-like. She helped me understand that they were not typical. That was my introduction to echolalia. Savannah was well beyond the normal parroting that infants do. She was about to be three. The only echo I heard right then was the pounding of my heart. *insert sadness*

echolalia

[ek′ōlā′lyə]

Etymology: Gk, echo + lalein, to babble

1 (in psychiatry) the automatic and meaningless repetition of another's words or phrases, especially as seen in schizophrenia. A kind of echolalia is delayed echolalia.

2 (in pediatrics) a baby's imitation or repetition of sounds or words produced by others. It occurs normally in early childhood development. Also called echophrasia, echo speech. echolalic, adj.

Mosby's Medical Dictionary, 8th edition. © 2009, Elsevier.

5. Going Nuts

Bringing Sean home was easy although I worried about his unhealed circumcision. When I found out at 7 months that I was having a boy, I stressed about whether or not to put him through it. I let his dad make the decision. After his birth, I didn't really have time to fixate on it. Before I knew it, Dr. Toler came in the next morning and said, "I circumcised your son today." I gasped and asked, "How did he do?" and he said, "Well, he wasn't happy about it!"

How did he do? What a no-brainer! I couldn't wait to see that he was okay. I kept thinking about how much I just don't understand it. It is just one of many things in this life.

When it came time to change his dressing at home, I panicked a little. I called the nurse and said in a flustered state, "It is attached to his nut sack." Nearby, my father whispered to my mother, "Did she just say, 'nut --- sack'?!" I don't think well under pressure, okay? My redneck side has a tendency to show itself.

You know you're a Redneck if you say, "nut sack" to describe a part of the male anatomy.

Sean was slightly jaundiced at birth. Aside from changing his circumcision dressing, I was advised to put in him a sunny window to reduce the bilirubin levels.

Where was Savannah? She was in her own little world.

4. Delayed

My second pregnancy was uneventful. Naturally, I was tired from chasing Savannah and carrying a baby bump but I knew it would end - however not as soon as I hoped. William Sean Owen was two weeks late! Dr. Toler agreed to induce me bright and early on April 12, 1995 at Springhill Memorial Hospital in Mobile. I was relieved. I had a fear of labor pain so he made sure to note in my chart that I was to get my epidural, "when she wants it!" I will always be indebted.

I was given Pitocin early that morning. The nurse broke my water midday. I began to advance along and ultimately deliver at 6:09 P.M. "Sean" was not happy! The first thing we noticed were his healthy lungs. The boy could wail!

Sean was circumcised, given his Hep B vaccine and released from the hospital within 24 hours of his delivery. Just when we were about to leave, the nurse came in and said, "He is bleeding a little because of his circumcision so we need to wait until it stops". I thought, "HE is bleeding? What about ME, People!?" I was prepared to take a backseat, but not as fast as a freight train busting through a keyhole.

He weighed 8 lbs. and 5 oz. - need I say more?

3. Double Trouble

Savannah was about a year old when I learned I was pregnant again. It was a surprise but we were happy. I was 32 years old so I had the ol', "better now than later" attitude although I was terrified to raise two children only 20 months apart. Little did I know that those times would be the easiest in many ways. Savannah was about to be a big sister. And I was about to be "chosen".

2. Too Much For a Little Girl

Savannah and I stayed in Mobile Infirmary for two days. During labor I was given Pitocin to induce me just 72 hours earlier. Also, I was left to wonder what residual in-utero effects the Demerol (before the Epidural), the Phenergan for my nausea and my fever had on her. She only weighed 6 lb. 2 oz. She was given her full round of antibiotics and also her "routine" Hepatitis B vaccine.

Hepatitis B is a sexually transmitted disease. If Hep B is such a general concern, why wasn't I tested for Hep B before my delivery? Having a negative result, Savannah would not have needed the vaccine. I wish I knew then what I know now. Mainly, truly, that it just wasn't necessary at the time of birth.

When Savannah and I came home from the hospital it was a wonderful learning experience. I was thankful that I was going to be a stay-at-home mom so all I had to think about was taking care of her all day long. Honestly, it would have been better if I had had something else to do. I was absorbed, completely smitten and (I can say this now) an obnoxious doting mother. Of course I shared her with her father but not for long on any given day. I was the one who would protect her. I knew when she was hungry and full even though one time I nursed her to the point of projectile vomiting what seemed to be a gallon of breast milk. After I hosed down the both of us and the room,  I thought, "She must really be hungry now!" As well meaning and clueless as I was, I could have sworn I was doing right by her. I did settle down into the ebb and flow. Her milestones were met at the expected times, her vaccines were on schedule - no reactions there - just doing fine. Or so I thought.

1. A Troubling Reaction

Aunt Merry Ann kept Savannah from time to time when my husband (at the time) dragged me away from her because it was "good for all of us." Being a new mother, I was perfectly content to stay home and do nothing but stare at her. I knew she was in the very best of hands though. I trusted Aunt Merry Ann, not only because she was family but because she is a retired Kindergarten teacher which proved to me that she loved children. She began sitting for Savannah when she was less than a year old.

Savannah was born in Mobile, just 75 miles south of Chatom where we lived in a rental house in the country. The pregnancy was, for lack of a better word, awesome. I took my vitamins as soon as I could, managed to crave healthy foods and only gained 22 lbs. I had a few complications upon delivery, but overall I'd say it went well despite the 102 fever and the long wait for her arrival. She had a fever too and was immediately given antibiotics. She was born at 9:05 P.M. on July 31, 1993 weighing 6 lbs and 2 oz. We were both very sick, so they kept her in the nursery overnight. I rested.

The next morning I showered, dressed, and waited for the nurse to wheel her in. She was way more beautiful than I ever thought she would be. In an instant, I fell hard for her so much that (for lack of a better description) her life, sort of, flashed before me - making me feel her sorrow and pain. It hit me to the point that I kept whispering, "Oh no, I'm in trouble!" I can't explain it any better than that. I was seriously surprised by my reaction. I don't know why it happened, but I scooped her up and couldn't get enough of her from that moment on. I was in love. I was her protector. I'm not sure my instantaneous reaction to her sorrow and pain was healthy although it couldn't be helped. I've always been afraid to let go of her - to let her do things on her own. My reaction in the hospital was one thing but as Savannah grew, Aunt Merry Ann's observations and suspicions made me hold her even closer.

I feared for Savannah from the moment I saw her. Why didn't the joyful experiences throughout her life flash before me?