With Savannah in Kindergarten and Sean in his first year of school at age three, I had some time alone to reflect on the past five years. They were extremely tough. The previous seven years were too. I found a poetry website and began to write for the first time. I connected with people through poetry. It was surprisingly healing. I found autism support groups online and drew strength from them. I prided myself for being optimistic and strong. I talked about my experiences with autism with enthusiasm and truth. The more I talked, the more it hurt. The more I expressed that hurt, the more people said:
- "God chose you because He knows you can handle it."
- "Special children are a gift from God."
- "God won't give you any more than you can handle."
And I thought to myself: "Dear God, if it is true what they say, I don't appreciate the compliment."
Bitterness and anger toward God began to seep in.
I think "chosen" would be a difficult term to reconcile my conflicting emotions too. As an attempt to encourage you, I can understand "chosen" would seem to be a compliment. But as the recipient of being "chosen", it just sucks!
ReplyDeleteGrab whatever encouragement you can from the intent of their heart.
When we imagine God being our fairy god mother who only gives us good things and changes our circumstances to live happily ever after, we get sorely disappointed. Perhaps God is that which wells up inside us to give us the strength to continue.
Sometimes I can really feel that strength and sometimes I'm like "wtf is happening?"
Futility or Strength. Strength through Futility. Perhaps this is our choice and how we are "chosen".
"Grab whatever encouragement you can from the intent of their heart."
ReplyDeleteI love this. I did find encouragement. What I also found was that God was not to be feared like I always thought. I have had very frank conversations, fist shaking and screaming matches (where I'm the only one screaming of course!) only to find that I think He is pretty much okay with that. I didn't care though, I was spewing, for lack of a better word. I think because of it, I've been drawn in, closer. I dunno, I have not warmed up to having been "chosen" but I am finding that it is okay to spew! Ha! Seriously.
I know it has been a difficult situation to deal with, but I feel like Sean is really blessed having you for a mom.
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