64. Third Parties

I was the type that didn't want anyone to "know my business", so I didn't talk much about our problems! My husband, however, decided to discuss it with anyone who would listen. I wasn't happy about this. My parents were called numerous times -not by me- and informed of all of their daughter's wrongdoings. Oh, the list went on and on. Luckily we lived far from my closest friends, besides Pat, otherwise he would have called them too. I was embarrassed for him.

By the time the counselor was called in to do damage control, I was emotionally turned off. I knew that I needed to at least give counseling a try, though. The counselor that my husband chose was a Baptist preacher. He knew him from his work in some way. The sessions were about an hour long and free so what the heck? I remember one session in particular. Near the end of it, my husband said, "I am concerned for her spirituality because she said she wanted to throw our son out the window and that she hated God."

I tried to put that loaded statement into context before he ended the session but all I heard was:

"Times up."

I was stunned. I was pissed. This counselor knew very little about the effect that autism had on all of us, not just ME. When we were going through it all I had discussed my brutally honest feelings with my husband and he seemed to understand. He lived the life too and had to walk away many times for fear of hurting Sean.

With little time to defend my long ago spoken words, I left the office realizing that it wouldn't have mattered. I knew in my heart that my love for my son kept him safe. I knew I had to give air to my thoughts so I talked about them. I couldn't let them sit inside my head long enough for them to convince me that they were justified. As for hating God, I did, but only temporarily.