30. Two Reasons to Smile

Here I am with the loves of my life. 

Harlingen, TX 

1999

29. Through Laughter and Hymns

I was encouraged that Sean was getting the early intervention that the experts said was so crucial. Savannah was in an inclusion class which meant she was in a classroom with typical children as well as special needs children. I wanted it that way so both teachers could observe her. As I learned more about ASD - Autism Spectrum Disorder, I realized that Savannah was somewhere on the spectrum. I didn't have her tested again like I should have. I wanted the teachers to tell me their observations. I bailed out. 

The three areas that autistic people struggle with are:

1. language
2. cognition
3. socialization

Savannah struggled with all three but mainly with cognition. Mrs. Livingston, the special education  teacher noticed it and called it a "processing deficit". She made no recommendations so I left it alone. Savannah was an "A" student. She was coping but little did I know she was the anxious type. No matter how much we tried to manage it, the anxiety in our home was building. 

Let's put on a happy face!

Living in Harlingen meant that we were very far away from family and friends. I didn't talk about my home life very much to my family. I missed them but I was thankful to have The Smith family close by. When Pat and I got together we naturally challenged each others sense of humor. We laughed more than we talked. It was my medicine. It was my relief.

We often sang Baptist hymns from our childhood church days. I was amazed at how we remembered the page numbers too and every verse from "Just As I Am". We sang them when the mood struck us -  partying or not, we sang till our hearts content. It was feel good music. Because I was standing an arms length from God, and looking the other way, the music kept me aware of His presence. I still wished he hadn't "chosen" me.

~no turning back, no turning back.

28. Chosen? Really?

With Savannah in Kindergarten and Sean in his first year of school at age three, I had some time alone to reflect on the past five years. They were extremely tough.  The previous seven years were too. I found a poetry website and began to write for the first time. I connected with people through poetry. It was surprisingly healing. I found autism support groups online and drew strength from them. I prided myself for being optimistic and strong. I talked about my experiences with autism with enthusiasm and truth. The more I talked, the more it hurt. The more I expressed that hurt, the more people said:

• "God chose you because He knows you can handle it."
• "Special children are a gift from God."
• "God won't give you any more than you can handle." 

And I thought to myself: "Dear God, if it is true what they say, I don't appreciate the compliment."

Bitterness and anger toward God began to seep in.