My marriage was in trouble. I kept asking myself how it "got to this point", and I couldn't map it out. I was beginning to see that I was extra super good at being in denial, though. I was also beginning to feel that life was too short for living in a situation that wasn't right for both of us. For all of us. I had taken vows and wanted to honor them so much that I denied the reality. I lost sight of myself as I was living my husband's life as well as Savannah and Sean's. The autism had a way of helping me map things out. As I was forced to analyze Sean's every move, I began to do the same with my own. I was about to be forty - was it a midlife crisis? I was writing more and more about the state my marriage was in. Thoughts of unfinished business kept creeping in so much that I couldn't suppress them like I had many years ago. The death of my dog Allie, was at the forefront. She was killed early on in the marriage. I swallowed the pain the day it happened. I buried it deep inside, and talked about it as though it was "just a thing that happened."
Allie began to "speak" to me. Her spirit rose up in me and strengthened me. It would take years before I could make sense of her death. It would take years to see that autism played a hand.
