Although Sean was learning how to manage his autism more every day, he was also learning to be a master of manipulation. Sometimes I was not able to tell, just yet, which behaviors were because of his disability or a result of his Master Manipulator capabilities. It upset me and wore me out mentally. I was always guessing and trying to parent him accordingly. I didn't want to give in but I wanted to cut him some slack if it was a behavior that was out of his control.
Savannah soon learned to be the peacemaker. If she had something Sean wanted, she gave it to him to prevent a meltdown. One night my husband and I were sitting in the living room when Savannah ran in with Sean two steps behind (for once). They stopped in the middle of the room and tied up. They were laughing but he was clearly trying to take the beanie baby away from her. He succeeded. She didn't even try to get it back or say anything about it at all. I said, "Whoa, Savannah, Honey, don't let him take things away from you!" I said, "If you want it back, get it back - we've got your back!!" The next thing we knew, they were in a blur on the floor wrestling for the beanie baby. Seconds later, her hand shot straight out of the blur holding the beanie baby! "I GOT IT!" Up to that point, I never paid attention to how he treated her or how she allowed him to treat her. He wasn't being mean, he was allowed to get away with it and she was accepting his dominance over her. I had work to do. I began building their relationship. I knew he was going to need her. I didn't want her to think of him as a burden or a pest. There were plenty of places we couldn't go because of Sean's tantrums but Savannah was always told it was for another reason. I didn't want her to resent him.
One afternoon I took them to the park and then for ice cream. We played for all of 10 minutes when Sean began to act out. He wanted a swing or something he couldn't have because another child wanted it and Sean had already had a turn. Something very typical! Anyway, Savannah was up and down and all around that park having a wonderful afternoon. I refused to let Sean ruin it for her so I took him to the car. Instead of straightening up, he threw one of the biggest fits of his life. He kicked and screamed and screamed and kicked. I'm certain I had war wounds from the experience. It was a miracle the windows didn't break. The car shook for what seemed like an eternity! Every so often I'd look up to check on Savannah, smile and give her a thumbs up and go back to duking it out with Little Dude. It was almost comical.
When Savannah was finished playing, I drove to Dairy Queen. I ordered through the drive thru, "I'll have two vanilla cones please." I handed one to Savannah. Then I wrapped my tongue so far around the other one, took a big fat lick so fast it sent me into a brain freeze but I didn't care, I was making my statement. After having stopped his fit (because he knew DQ was on the agenda) Sean thought all was forgotten. He pitched another fit - so be it. Before, I had always given in to avoid tantrums - especially back to back. Not this time.
Since the day in the park I realized that life was too short to put up with crap. My marriage was unraveling and it wasn't because of the autism. It was because I had accepted his dominance over me.
I was beginning to see my denial. I was beginning to feel my pain. I was beginning to hear the truth. I was beginning to touch reality. I was beginning to smell bullshit.
