1. A Troubling Reaction

Aunt Merry Ann kept Savannah from time to time when my husband (at the time) dragged me away from her because it was "good for all of us." Being a new mother, I was perfectly content to stay home and do nothing but stare at her. I knew she was in the very best of hands though. I trusted Aunt Merry Ann, not only because she was family but because she is a retired Kindergarten teacher which proved to me that she loved children. She began sitting for Savannah when she was less than a year old.

Savannah was born in Mobile, just 75 miles south of Chatom where we lived in a rental house in the country. The pregnancy was, for lack of a better word, awesome. I took my vitamins as soon as I could, managed to crave healthy foods and only gained 22 lbs. I had a few complications upon delivery, but overall I'd say it went well despite the 102 fever and the long wait for her arrival. She had a fever too and was immediately given antibiotics. She was born at 9:05 P.M. on July 31, 1993 weighing 6 lbs and 2 oz. We were both very sick, so they kept her in the nursery overnight. I rested.

The next morning I showered, dressed, and waited for the nurse to wheel her in. She was way more beautiful than I ever thought she would be. In an instant, I fell hard for her so much that (for lack of a better description) her life, sort of, flashed before me - making me feel her sorrow and pain. It hit me to the point that I kept whispering, "Oh no, I'm in trouble!" I can't explain it any better than that. I was seriously surprised by my reaction. I don't know why it happened, but I scooped her up and couldn't get enough of her from that moment on. I was in love. I was her protector. I'm not sure my instantaneous reaction to her sorrow and pain was healthy although it couldn't be helped. I've always been afraid to let go of her - to let her do things on her own. My reaction in the hospital was one thing but as Savannah grew, Aunt Merry Ann's observations and suspicions made me hold her even closer.

I feared for Savannah from the moment I saw her. Why didn't the joyful experiences throughout her life flash before me?